The Wedding
by SisiDraig - 2
Summary: WTPCIASW series! It's baaaaaaack! lol. Erm, Vinward and Lauren finally tie the knot...


**Hiya!!  
This probably wont make any sense to most people on this site anymore but it's another one in the 'When Two People Cuddle In A Special Way' series! This is dedicated entirely to Brie because she helped me start this MONTHS ago... it's finished now! =] =]**

**Hope you enjoy it. Please R&R, i've been out of the fanfic game for a while so I hope it's okay! =]**

**D/C: Vince, Howard and Leroy belong to the Mighty Boosh. Dan, Jones and Claire belong to Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker. Richmond belongs to Graham Linehan. And Vinward and Lauren belong to meeeeee! haha =] I think that covered everyone - if not, all characters belong to their respective programmes!!**

**LOVE!  
xx**

* * *

Hair brushed - Check  
Moustache Combed - Check  
Tie - Check  
Jacket - Check  
Trousers - … Damn.

"Rich… where are my trousers?"

"Here." Jones grinned throwing the trousers and smacking Vinward in the side of the face.

"Jones! Now I've got to do my hair again."

"No you don't," sighed Jones, running his fingers through his brother's hair. "There. Perfect," he beamed.

"Will you get off. You're ruining _everything," _Vinward whinged, flapping his hand at his annoying butterfly of a brother. "And _why _is your bloody jacket pink?"

"I don't wanna stand out."

"Everyone else is in black and white. The pink will stand out."

"Well, Vince isn't in black and white and neither's Leroy or any of Lauren's side of the family or her friends or me or Rich. Because he's wearing… that." He looked over to his other brother, who was wearing a red and black suit and a top hat. "You look like a liquorish bar," he commented.

"You look like a marshmallow," Richmond retorted almost immediately and Jones, despite desperately trying not to, laughed a little.

"So," he continued, returning to his previous conversation as though nothing had happened in-between, "the only people in black are Dan, you and Howard."

"But black is traditional."

"Lauren's not got the most traditional dress in the world."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot you hadn't seen Lauren's dress," Jones eyes flashed cheekily. He hadn't bloody forgotten. He just knew this teasing infuriated Vinward.

Vinward still didn't know why Lauren had asked Jones to go dress shopping with her but ever since, Jones had been rubbing it in and dropping hideously vague hints. Vinward took a deep breath and picked up the small silver moustache comb that Howard had given him that morning.

"Don't do that again," groaned Jones, trying to prise the comb from his brother's fingers.

"I want to look my best."

"Look, we all know you're marrying someone that's too good for you but…"

"One of us had to." Vinward cut in before Jones had chance to finish. He looked sullenly over at Dan, who was passed out on the hotel room sofa, stinking of stale alcohol. "I thought you weren't gonna let him drink last night. He's clearly hung-over."

"Nah. He always looks like that," Jones reassured him brightly, as he went over and pushed Dan's legs off the sofa freeing up some space for himself to sit down.

"Jones! Fuck off. I've got the hangover from hell."

Jones burst out laughing and Vinward glared at his brother angrily. "This is going to be a disaster." he groaned, banging his head on the table in front of him.

"No, it wont," Richmond reassured him, "you're gonna to marry the first girl you ever met. You've loved her all your life. That's romantic."

"That's sad," muttered Dan under his breath as he pushed himself into a sitting position, then, realising every one had heard him he quickly (well as quickly as his alcohol addled mind would allow him) changed the subject, "who's your plus one then Richmond?"

"I haven't got a plus one." Richmond sighed, sitting glumly on the bed … or perhaps he was just sitting on the bed. Dan always found it hard to tell, the Goth always looked glum. "But I do have the perfect implement to find the _one _at this party."

"Implement?" Jones asked with a bit of a shudder, "that sounds horrible."

Dan, on the other hand, seemingly genuinely interested, asked him what it was.

"This." Richmond leant down and pulled a skull prop from his 1940's medical bag. It was obvious just how often something like this had happened in their lives by the fact that the three other men in the room didn't even react. Jones just screwed up his face and asked,

"How's that gonna help?"

"This is the perfect skull. Immaculate bone structure. I can just compare this to all the other skulls and then I'll be able to find the one of my dreams."

"I didn't think Goths dreamt."

"Oh we dream. We just dream of bats and rats and ever-present darkness. Horrible really."

"Riiiiight," Jones said, snuggling a bit closer to Dan to whisper, "see, doesn't this make you want to get married?"

"No."

"Nah, me neither," giggled the younger man, fiddling with his luminous pink cuffs, "I'm glad that's cleared the air. Anyway, reckon you'd look ridiculous in a dress."

Dan muttered something completely indistinguishable under his breath, though Jones seemed to understand as he blushed violently and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

Vinward wasn't taking any notice of the pair now though. He was pacing the sizable room with his hands shoved deep in his pockets, muttering wedding vows any number of possible bad outcomes.

"Vin, sit down," groaned Jones, still lolling slightly on Dan, "you're making me dizzy."

"But what if a pigeon comes in and pecks my eyes out and I can't see so I stumble around until I fall headfirst into the font and drown."

"Why would a pigeon go for _your _eyes, they're all small and gross? Me and Rich are in danger more of that happening."

"I'm not sure any of us are in danger of that happening," Richmond pointed out, as he fiddled idly with the hotel's soap before putting it in his pocket along with the shampoo, conditioner, flannel, chocolates, dental floss and TV remote.

"No, we are. Vince said," Jones insisted, "he said monkeys used to try and steal his eyes."

"I thought the monkeys stole his face. The woodpeckers stole his eyes."

"Well, it's ir-elephant,"

"Irrelevant," Dan corrected in a bored monotone.

"Yeah, that," Jones continued "because no pigeon is gonna want to steal _your _eyes … unless…" There was a pause as realisation dawned over him, "…maybe the pigeon could think you stole _his_ eyes and he was just wants them back."

"My eyes aren't that small."

"They are," Jones replied in mock sympathy, "and you know what they say about eyes; small eyes, small brain."

"I think that just refers to Ostriches."

"Whatever Pigeon brain," laughed Jones, just as Richmond announced it was time to go.

"Oh god." Vinward said clutching the chair anxiously, "what if she doesn't show up?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Jones chuckled, leaping up to flatten the lapel of his brother's jacket and straighten out a few creases here and there. "It'll be fine," he promised before pulling Vinward into a hug. The strangled cry of 'don't touch me' was lost in the pink fabric and root-boosted hair. Vinward genuinely thought he was going to suffocate before Dan hauled Jones away to give him a quick kiss before walking off to find his own seat in with the rest of the congregation.

"I don't care what either of you two say," smirked Vinward, as Dan left, "you're so soppy it's actually sickening."

Jones chuckled a bit and said, "come on 'en Vin. Let's go get you married."

--

The half hour stood at the front of the church just waiting was torture and it didn't help that his best men were imbeciles.

"No, not her. Her. Yes. It matches the skull template perfectly."

"That's Claire."

"Who's Claire?"

"Dan's sister."

"Well, I've always been an admirer of Dan's skull."

"Hands of him you gothic freak."

"There's no need to make hurtful comments Jones."

"Sorry. Hey. What about him?"

"I can't see his skull under all the fat in his face."

"Will you two shut up?" hissed Vinward, ringing his hands nervously and chewing on his thumb nail anxiously. "Have you got the rings?" He asked for the millionth time.

"Yes, I've got the rings. I think you need to take a chill pill. You're so tense, it's like you're in trance." Richmond droned.

"Fine. Just shush now. I need to be calm. Let me meditate." Vinward felt Jones' scornful expression burn the side of his head but he chose to ignore it and just closed his eyes trying to block out the chatter of excited friends and family. It wasn't long before Jones started yapping again and Vinward was forced to give up.

"Hey, look," Jones started waving like a madman, "there's Gran and Grandpa Moon. Are Vince's parents here? Did you invite them Vin?"

"Yes."

"Did they reply?"

"Yes."

"Are they coming?"

"Should be."

"Woo hoo. Fireworks," giggled Jones.

"Don't say that. I want everything to go off without a hitch."

"Like fireworks." Jones insisted, "they go off fine but then ' BANG' I bet there's at least one fight today."

"Jones!"

"I'm just being honest I reckon that …"

But they never found out what Jones reckoned because at that second the doors of the church swung open and the bridal march was played - or at least it should have been. What was actually played was a weird electro beat that sounded vaguely like a wedding march (if you squinted your ears).

"What the hell is this?" Vinward hissed to Jones.

"Did it myself," he beamed back, "d'you like it?"

"No."

"Good. You've got appalling taste in music, you not liking it can only be a good thing."

Though, if Vinward was honest, by Jones' standards this mixed up electro march was at least bearable not that the music really mattered right now. The only thing that mattered now was Lauren and how beautiful she looked. Her dress was short, very short, too short even, Vinward thought angrily, but the train made her look like an angel. Or a white washed Vampire, according to Richmond.

She walked down the aisle - no, she floated down the aisle with Leroy's arm linked in her own and she was positively glowing as she giggled and waved to her friends and family.

Jones nudged Vinward in the ribs to whisper, "thought you might appreciate the dress choice."

"I … er, that's my wife! And everyone can see… everything!"

"No they can't. They just _think _they can. She looks sexy. Even _I _think she looks sexy." He paused for a second and then; "You're gonna have the best wedding night."

"Jones!"

"What?"

"Stop being crude, that's not what I need to think about in the middle of my wedding ceremony!"

"Bollocks. That's all you're thinking about. Ha ha. Bollocks? I bet you're not supposed to swear in church are you? Reckon I'm going to hell now. But I was going there anyway, soooo… Why you getting married in a church?"

"Will you just shut up!" Vinward growled.

"But seriously why a church?"

"Because the spaceships were all out of stock."

Pause; "That was a lie, wasn't it?"

"Yes. Shut up. She's nearly here."

"I know, you've got a goofy, lustful look in your eyes."

"Shut up!" Vinward growled, and the first few pews jumped at the tenacity of it.

Lauren saw it too and giggled like a teenage girl. Leroy stepped forward and shook Vinward's hand sternly.

"You look after her." he growled in his ear.

"I will sir." Vinward promised and Lauren giggled again.

"D'you like my dress?" She whispered.

"It's a bit … revealing and those shoes are a bit … and it's all just …" He sighed, "Look, don't you think you'd have been more comfortable in a nice corduroy number or a simple nutmeg…"

"Vinward," she interrupted with a genuine smile. Her eyes bright and stunning through the veil

"What?" he gulped as he drowned with the feelings of love for her.

"Just tell me I look beautiful."

"You look beautiful," he whispered.

"I know," she smiled. "You too."

--

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Jones, bopping about behind the decks. His hands above his head, the sweat pouring off him as he threw himself into the sound. "Give it up for the newly weds!" he screamed down the microphone, his voice sounded distorted and weird, "Yeah. Woo!"

"I'm beginning to regret allowing him to do the music." Vinward groaned to Dan. He'd latched on to his brother's moody boyfriend simply because he was the only one not showering him with congratulations and compliments. There was only so many wedding conversations a sane man could have. He knew Dan wouldn't discuss the wedding. He'd be lucky if Dan would discuss anything, instead he just sat at the side of the room looking miserable but that's what he always did.

"Well, I did try to warn you." Dan pointed out."You didn't."

"I did. I said 'hmmm' when you asked him."

Vinward raised an eyebrow, "you need to be more obvious than that."

"Well I couldn't just say it out loud. I'd have upset Jones."

"I suppose," agreed Vinward, watching as Dan lifted a bottle of whiskey and drank deeply from it before passing it to Vinward. "Thanks," smiled the newly-wed taking a few much needed gulps.

Lauren was dancing like a maniac but at the same time she looked so sexy it was actually painful. Everyone was watching her in awe and Vinward felt an odd mix of jealousy and pride competing in his gut. He wanted to get up and dance too to stand proudly by his wife but he knew he'd just look clumsy and ridiculous next to her. He passed the bottle back to Dan, who was now avoiding Jones' furious eye contact.

"I think he wants you to go up there," Vinward said unhelpfully.

"Shut up."

"He'll just call you through the song in a minute."

"You don't think he would at your wedding reception?"

"Course he would."

The sound of subtle feedback began to grow which indicated Jones was about to speak so Dan got to his feet and rushed to sit at the decks before Jones could embarrass him. It turned out Jones wasn't going to embarrass Dan, he'd only turned the microphone on so he could introduce a slow song by telling everyone to 'grab their partners'.

"Is this going to actually _be _slow?" Dan asked in Jones' ear, as he pressed his body up behind him. "Or are you going to play another song that's just a bunch of noise melding together?"

"You know _nothing _about music." Jones insisted, reaching back over his shoulder to wrap an arm around Howard's neck. He leant back to kiss him at the awkward, rubbish angle as he ground against Dan's front. Jones always got like this when he DJ'd and Dan couldn't deny he loved it. He was so wrapped up in Jones (literally) he didn't even notice a gothic man with a skull-o-meter sidle up to his sister and request a dance.

Claire smiled and held out her hand. Richmond kissed it politely and dancing was forgotten as they legged it upstairs to Richmond's hotel room.

"Dan's not gonna like that." Vinward smirked as the unlikely couple pushed passed them.

"Ah, they're hammered," giggled Lauren, resting her head on Vinward's shoulder as he swung her around letting the tail of her dress fly up behind her.

"You drinking?"

"Not much," she admitted, "I don't want to forget anything about this day."

"What? Not even when Vince's parents started smoking in the church?"

"Nope."

"What about when that flower girl stood on your dress."

"Nope. Do we know who that girl was yet?"

"Not a clue," admitted Vinward, "What about your dad's speech?"

"He hasn't made a speech yet."

"I know but he's going to at some point."

"It'll be fine," Lauren said, though she didn't look that convinced as she chewed her lip a little.

"I'm sure it will." Vinward reassured her, pulling her a little closer. "He'll just have a million lovely things to say about you. Just like I do."

"And that photographer. He was a right perve."

"He was fine."

"He wasn't he kept touching my legs and stuff."

"He just wanted you to stand right. I think you over exaggerate your pull on men."

"Dressed like this?" Lauren asked, taking a step back and jutting out her hip.

Vinward smiled and raised an eyebrow, he pulled her in close and growled something suggestive in her ear. She giggled and blushed prettily just as Vince came over.

"D'you think Jones has forgotten about the music?" he chuckled pointing as Jones and Dan collapsed to the floor behind the decks in a passionate heap.

"Probably," Vinward sighed, rolling his eyes exasperatedly, "he's totally useless."

Vince chuckled again before turning his attention to Lauren.

"Mrs Noir-Moon," he beamed holding out his hand and she squealed at the address, "would you do me the honour of dancing with me?"

"Oh Vince," she laughed, slapping him lightly on the shoulder, "I'd be honoured. You know, the only reason I've married Vinward was to get closer to you."

"I did know that yes."

"Ergh," moaned Vinward, as he left them to their dancing "that's so disgusting."

"The dress is beautiful."

"I know." she smiled, giving a bit of a twirl, "Jones helped me pick out a few designs but I pretty much made it myself."

"It's very you."

--

"Hey Dad." Vinward smiled, sitting next to Howard.

"I wouldn't get too comfortable, Lauren's mum's after you for a dance."

"Oh god. I can't dance."

"Hmm." Howard agreed, and then; "I'm very proud of you son."

"Thanks, dad."

"Honestly, you really deserve today."

"I don't deserve Lauren."

"You do. She loves you for a reason."

"I think it's my moustache."

"Bound to be. Women can't resist the power of the mocha stain."

"I know," agreed Vinward.

--

Ting, ting, ting. Ting. TING.** SMASH!**

"Leroy!" hissed Lauren's mother, Rachael.

"What?"

"You broke the bloody wine glass."

"Well no one was taking any notice."

"They're taking notice now." Lauren pointed out embarrassedly.

"Oh, right." Leroy cleared his throat and puffed out his chest importantly. "As we all know, we're here to celebrate the marriage of my beautiful daughter Lauren and her new _husband," _everyone cheered, "Vinward. I've known Vince and Howard all my life and when they had sons I was surprised to say the least. I …"

"Lee." Vince interrupted quickly, "is this gonna be long? I'm dying for a piss."

Everyone laughed a bit until Vince said, "no seriously. I'm gonna piss myself if you don't hurry up."

"Vince, shut up." snapped Leroy and he carried on with his speech. "Vinward and Lauren met when they were very, very young and it was love at first sight. And it may have taken them twenty four years to get to this point but I'm so glad they have because I can't imagine a better son-in-law or a better family."

"Naturally," Jones piped up.

"I'm so proud of Lauren. She deserves the best and I know that today she's got it. I love her very much and I can see that Vinward does to."

"I do."

"And I wouldn't have seen another man marry her. I mean that. You two were meant for each other."

"Awwwwww." hummed the room in unison as Leroy sat down and handed the speaking over to Vinward,

"Erm, yeah, so Richmond was going to make a best man speech now but he's disappeared somewhere with…"

Suddenly, Dan cried something completely indistinguishable about his sister and left the room in a furious rage. Everyone turned to look at Jones, who was laughing so hard he was close to tears.

"Sorry," he gasped out, between hysterical laughing "sorry. Carry on with your bor-, erm, speech. Keep going with your speech."

"There is no speech, that's it I was just saying there's no best man speech."

"What!?" Exclaimed Jones, "right, sit down. I'll do it."

"No," pleaded Vinward."Shush. Sit! I'm talking now. Right. Hi everyone. Ummm, so Vinward's my brother and he's a bit of a dick, er, I mean tit. I mean nerd. You only have to look at that moustache to see that. You know, he's had that since he was born. I know, he was doomed from the start. I used to say that he was gonna grow old all alone, maybe with a few cats and even then the cats would be looking for an escape."

"Jones," moaned Vinward, "please stop."

"Shush, let me finish. But deep down, we all knew that he'd end up with Lauren. Like Leroy said, they were made for each other and look how cute they are together. You know, if you look past the fact Lauren could do much better."

"Jones!"

"I'm joking. Honestly Lauren, Vin's been there for me all my life and I couldn't ask for a better brother. Well, except for the time when we were nine and he filled my pillows with worms. Or when he poured jelly in my shoes when we were 12."

"They were both things you did to _me_!"

"Were they?"

"Yes!"

"Oh." Jones chuckled a little, "never mind then. Erm," he raised his wine glass of virtually luminous yellow liquid, "to Lauren and Vinward.""Lauren and Vinward." Everyone toasted.

"Thanks," Vinward said, "I think," he added.

Jones just laughed a little. "Sorry about the worm thing. I could've sworn that was you."

--

The horse and carriage rolled away slowly and Lauren threw her bouquet as it went past all her friends. There was a pregnant pause as the flowers flew into the air. They span round and round in the air before landing in neatly in Jones' arms. He beamed ridiculously and winked at Dan, who immediately ripped the flowers from Jones' grip and threw them again.

"Spoil sport." Jones frowned as the flowers were caught by Naboo. He chucked them again, as did Vince and Bollo until eventually one of Lauren's many bridesmaids caught the bouquet.

"I don't think the luck counts if people have thrown them about like a basketball."

Jones chuckled as he wrapped himself around Dan's arm. The older man was scowling intently at Claire.

"Dan." Jones mumbled after a while.

"Mmm?"

"You didn't kill Rich, did you? I haven't seen him for ages."

"No, I haven't seen him but I will kill him if I do catch sight of him."

"You're ridiculous." Jones chuckled before going up on tiptoes to suggest they head on back to their room. Dan didn't need asking twice.

As the two men rushed back into the hotel, Vince sighed and plonked himself next to Howard. Howard slipped his arm around Vince's waist.

"I wish we were still young and in love," sighed the younger man, watching as people started to pair off all over the place.

"We are."

"I know but _really_ young. I mean I've been to my son's wedding, it's making me feel old."

Howard smiled and kissed the side of Vince's head.

"Don't be ridiculous, you can still compete with the young kids."

"You reckon."

"Of course."

"Come on 'en small eyes," Vince grinned, suddenly leaping to his feet.

"What?"

"We'll go show those young whippersnappers how it's done."

"You're a tit," smiled Howard as he allowed himself to be dragged to his feet.

--

"So, hubby," Lauren smiled sitting down opposite Vinward in the living room of their flat. She had a smile plastered across her face. The wedding was over a month ago but she still liked saying it. "I've got some, erm, news."

"What kind of news?" Vinward asked, looking up from his edition of stationary monthly.

"Good news. Well, I think it's good. Very good in fact."

"What?"

Lauren's smile almost exploded on her face and she said, "You're gonna be a daddy."


End file.
